I want to be a Light, a Pillar and Salt on this earth. I have such a desire to reach others to Christ but fail to do so because I let the worldly things get in the way and plus I feel so self conscious most days. A lot of my past has not represented the person I am deep down inside. I have sinned so much and if I could take it all back I would. I feel so guilty that I allowed myself to sin like I have. I know I need to forgive myself but its hard. I have repented to God and I know he forgives those who repent and things but I can not justify my sin it was deadly wrong and I have to live with what I have done and I did a particular sin repeatedly .It makes me sick to think about how much I hurt God with the choices I made. Here God is: a Savior to this world and he has saved me from Hell and how do I repay him? By sinning :-(
Sometimes I feel like I will never be forgiven by some of the people in my life I have either told the particular sin too or they found out . Perhaps if they could forgive me I would feel just a little better. I know I will have to forgive myself eventually but for right now I just cant Im too ashamed. God forgives me so why cant I? Its freakishly late and I should be sleeping but instead I am listening to Casting Crowns and being mad at myself for allowing my sin to go on for so long. I'm not going to say my sin out loud I have already confided in a few people and well some like I said found out. I'm very thankful that they haven't exploited me for the sin I had in my life. If only the people who cant forgive me knew how much I punish myself everyday for the sin I had. "Had" as in no longer.
Let me explain this so you can understand that the sin is no longer.one night I had sinned like any other night that I had made that wrong choice and I hit rock bottom.I prayed for hours "God Im Sorry, God Forgive me, Im a mess and I sinned and I know I cant take it back but what I can do is change it in the future so it doesnt happen again.I promise to not carry this with me anymore or step back into that sin from this day forward ...I repent! Im done with this garbage! Forgive me! Amen"
Since I have been back in Moberly,MO I have not done the particular sin but I have been in torment in my mind for what I have done. I keep looking for ways to distract myself from wallowing in my distress sometimes it works and other times I just sit and try not to Cry.Though sometimes the agony is so much I will crawl into my bed and just lay there and cry. I know crying doesn't solve anything but sometimes it cant be prevented and sometimes it helps just to let the tears out while im praying to God.
I have been a prisoner of sin until I moved back to Moberly. Sin no longer controls me. I can honestly say I do my very best not to sin anymore although I'm pretty sure we all do everyday still because Jesus is the only perfect one. but I am making a honest effort and I definitely dont have to worry about that one particular sin and pursuing it again because I have an accountability partner here in Moberly and if I feel tempted I go to them about all of it. and they set me straight and im also there accountability partner as well.
One Crazy month let me tell you I have been just exhausted with the excitement of December and Christmas but then on the other side of things I have been stressed about finances too and job hunting like crazy. Which when you think about it being stressed about finances isn't going to make the issue go away :p Well and then you know me punishing myself for my previous big sin that you all do not need to be aware of. If you are aware of what im referring to then please please please do not exploit me no matter how mad you get. Thanks
First Baptist Church of Moberly is starting their Children's program back up and I am signed up to help with Pre-K and Kindergarten this will be the first time in 6 months that I have been in Ministry due to work and moving and feeling like I wasnt good enough.But I know thats a lie not that im full of myself but I know that you do not have to be perfect to serve God but you should be striving to be more like him and have a love for his people.Anyhow, I hope to get involved with other things also to keep me going in the right direction with God too. I have already been spending loads of time back into Devotion Prayer and Worship and Church now its time to get back into Serving God. Also, the pastor is discussing starting a Celebrate Recovery class. Im definitely hoping that happens because it would be another way for me to serve God through sharing with others my experiences and how I have overcame so much and in the process learning more about others will help me too.
Well its still freakishly late so I am going to slumber off now into dream land Goodnight!
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