Exhausted!

Exhausted from today!

It was a long day I job hunted all day and well I would say it was fun but it was not and I'm not going to pretend.It was exhausting and stressful!  Lately, I have been trying so hard to stay positive about job hunting and not worry about my last checks from my previous employer. My last boss said he was sending it when I text him last Thursday but he was very vague about it :p  I just want them for security because without a job I worry a lot about running out of money. Im very ashamed I have been spending way too much on eating out. While I was out today; I didnt eat out but I still ended up getting something from the store.Err! I still have money in the account but I am normally not bad with money like this! I could of saved a whole lot more!

Later tonight I saw something I really wanted and I didnt buy it because I realized I really didnt need it.  I am going to start asking myself about wants vs. needs again like I use to do. It helps me not to blow money. If those checks dont get here by Thursday I'm going to cry!(not really) but i will be bugging my last boss again if i don't.  I also need them because they are going to help me to be able to pay rent for a few months while I'm doing my best to find work.But I still really could use a job now so I don't run out of money! and because I do want my own place eventually. Steve and Ash Ash and Brittany are great roommates they are all easygoing and I dont have to worry about conflict which is really nice.I think living here is Great!

Anyways,  I have decided to start going to the food bank on the second Thursday of every month so i don't spend money on food and the only thing I need to spend money on between now and when I get a job is possibly more hygiene products (if I run out) and transferring my license to Missouri and paying rent when due.Im also going to maybe see if I can help with the community kitchen in feeding the homeless and eventually other ministries around church.

I am going to alternate online versus' in person applications  like I did in Colorado. It helps me to not get so burnt out and helps me to focus better. Tomorrow, Im going to job hunt online and then Wednesday I will go to more places and so on...I wont job hunt fridays and sundays because employers typically dont want people to job hunt during those days.  Ive applied to over 50 jobs by now I have been really persistent and I am hoping it pays off because I cant stand the thought of running out of money in a few months when I really just want to put my life together and be stable.

Im really exhausted not just from all of this money stuff that I worry about but also the fact that I cant get the notion of wanting a boyfriend out of my head. I really struggle with this! Im not jealous of my friends I am very happy for all of them even my ex I have had no feelings for a  long time even back then those feelings dont really seem that real because i feel like hes always been just a friend and that is awesome because I think his wife is awesoe and that they make a perfect match. Speaking of exes one calls me up the other night asking for me back as some back up plan. I wasnt expecting it but I cried because this guy really wounded me he had an opportunity to be with me in the past and well he just disappeared then he calls out of the blue expecting me to live with him and pick up where we left off years ago when we were actually together. This guy was my first love I have loved him for most of my life and I wanted a fairytale with him that didnt exist. He just made me believe that it did. We spent some more years on and off trying to get back together then an opportunity opens for the both of us and I open my heart to him again and not only did  he not show he disappeared and wounded me. Almost,two years later he calls me when his ex walks out on him. He claimed I wasnt a back up plan but I dont believe or trust him anymore.He tells me he believes God still wants us together but if that were true then why all the obstacles? And why would i be the one making the life change? Im not giving in he had me on hold for years and it has exhausted me because I havent been able to get over him even when I tried my best I couldn't. I'm finally forcing myself to get over him but its not easy and thats why Im really wanting another boyfriend although at the same time I know its not really a good time for that level of commitment because I need to just focus on making God number 1 first and get a job and a place of my own then a car. Maybe,if I stop looking he will come when I least expect it. I'm definitely praying for my future husband though and trying to just give all my worries to God.

In other news,My mom went to urgent care recently please pray for her to heal im also very worried about her. Thanks .

Moberly,Missouri is a blessing and im very blessed to have what I have in life because others dont and because of that it is important for me to try not to take anything for granted.