Christmas2011/Self Esteem

         The Best thing about Christmas 2011 I will not lie was starting it out with my adorable 2 year old niece thanking me for the Girl Bible Story book on voice mail then getting to talk to my other niece and nephews and Sister.Also, going to church at First Baptist my church here in Moberly . Church really helped my mindset that whole day.The message was about the presents for Jesus and how we can all give a gift to Jesus. Something not materialistic.

         Anyways, I  was enjoying Christmas but I was also in deep thought about my gift to Jesus (Between Jesus and I) Christmas is more to me than the gifts and the food. Also, watching movies and listening to music about Santa, Jingle Bells and Rudolph etc... Has never really interested me. I do like Scrooge type movies.Charlie Brown , Grinch and most of the chick flick Christmas movies though.

        However, if someone is into the stuff that I am not... I deal with it because you Celebrate  Christmas  with the ones around you. I also had to adjust to a tradition of another family by opening presents all at the same time. It wasn't bad just different . My family always opened one gift at a time and took pictures. Then I wanted to clean up the trash right away and Steve-O said its another tradition to leave it. I felt embarrassed for not knowing their traditions.

         Anyways, we sat and waited for Ash-Ash . We were all excited for her to come home after she got off work because Christmas wouldn't be the same without her.  I was most excited for her to open her locket her husband got for her. It is Beautiful! I got some bath stuff Cherry Blossom Scent ( I get a lot of lotions and shower stuff most Christmases lol I will never run out and I must stink lol just kidding) I also got a cool Butterfly Coat hanger( looks great on my wall. Ash thought I didn't like it but I love it!) and candy stocking stuffers from Ash and Steve-O. before I moved back to Missouri my Aunt Natalie and Uncle Steve  got me socks, a makeup bag and makeup. Also, they put my money I gave them towards January's phone so I got a free month of service (True blessing in disguise). My Grandma sent me a Christmas Present check from my Grandma that I got wall decor ,curtain and a end table with( My room looks Fantastic now). My Uncle Pat sent me a subway gift card( I went to subway that day it sounded good when I got it ). Britt got me Christmas lights lol jk that's what I thought when I saw the box said that. I put all my stuff in my room not because I didn't want to show other people I was just trying to clean up a little lol. Then Ash goes what did you get and so I told her and that's when I turned bright red when Ash told me to look inside the box of lights and Britt laughed like "You silly" .

Well I went to my room to get it and when I opened it. It was an Mp3 Player which I Love! Its also a camera, and has a place for an Micro SD and has a mic for voice recording. I hope it becomes charged soon I have been Charging it on and off and It works when its on the charger but not off the charger yet.

  Anyways,onto the self esteem part of the title of this blog....I have a huge Self Esteem problem  I am scared of annoying people and  hate even the sound of my voice lately I am suddenly afraid to speak or give my opinion about anything because I feel like it will be rejected and because I don't know some stuff  and feel dumb for not knowing that stuff.   For the most part I don't get agitated when people are making fun of me but sometimes it makes me just want to hide in my room and sleep or sit at a lake all day. I know that when my friends do make fun of me they are not trying to hurt my feelings and are just joking around and I just need to get over it when I get all sensitive about it but sometimes my self esteem is so low that nothing can make me feel better and the best thing I can do is just try to sort it out.

Like last night I felt like I was getting on peoples nerves so I was going to try and go to bed at 730pm  I was discreet about it I told everyone I was tired. I really was tired  but it wasn't the whole truth but come on ...give me a break... I wasn't going to tell people I am going to sleep because I feel like I'm getting on your nerves. How stupid does that sound? Not to mention Pathetic! I wasn't going to ask! and I didn't want to ruin Christmas!  and It was a Great day for everyone. Including me! I just started feeling this way at nighttime.

Well, I was in my bed and I couldn't sleep so I went to the front porch and had a long talk with god and cried out to him about what I wanted my gift to be to him and just praying for strength to stop torturing myself and trying to accept myself. I just see so many flaws and I see a hippo.Well, After I got off the porch I went back inside and wiped my tears and and hung out with my roommates and Steve-O's family until everyone and had fun until wanted to go to bed.

For the Record No pity party here you dont like it then please stop reading this blog I dont want anyone feeling sorry for me .

 I'm hoping you will keep reading and if you want to pray for me that would be great if not that's fine too. I know I have issues but I shouldn't feel so bad about myself that I just want to sleep. I'm not depressed i am just sick of myself and I know  I am the only one that can change it so I'm definitely going to start working on some of my flaws.

By the way my friends are so awesome! I really want the best for all of them and when something goes wrong even though its not always my fault I take it hard because I want them to be happy and If I had all the money in the world I would pay  all there debt off and buy a vacation spot for all of us to go to get away from it all when life becomes too chaotic. My friends understand me better than anyone sometimes even better than myself. They are my family too. I would hate to lose any of them. I hope to help them with their future kids and whatever else I can help with. I want to grow old around all of them and one day sit in our rocking chairs together sharing memories. Bunny Trail over (Sorry had to mention my friends they are awesome!)

My Low Self Esteem makes me :

*Hurt others who think I'm wonderful

*Tell myself I'm fat everyday

* Paranoid 

*  Feel like sleeping all day

*  Make fun of myself to others

*  Make others feel like they cant make me happy 

* Tell myself I am stupid

*Feel Annoying to others

*Hard to live around

* Hate the sound of my voice

* Feel like I will never get married or have kids

* Feel like I do everything wrong

*Feel Alone and Invisible

*Feel Rejected

* Explain myself too much

*Act like I know things I don't know sometimes to avoid looking stupid

* Prideful

*Worried about what others think

*Punish myself for every little thing I do or say wrong

*Feel like a failure

* Feel ashamed

* Feel worthless

*Apologize too much

*Allow others to walk all over me because I have no confidence to say "No"

*Not accept criticism

Mark 10:27 NCV
Jesus looked at them and said, "For people this is impossible, but for God all things are possible." 

I will change these negative thoughts about myself and get rid of this poor self esteem. I have seen people write sticky notes and place them in places to help the process.To encourage themselves everyday. Also, I have been told to look in a mirror and say positive things about myself. Perhaps, Its time I start doing it even if its hard...

Do you suffer from a low self-esteem - Thinking poorly of yourself? If so lets break that self deprecation :-)

Term from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/self-deprecating

self-dep·re·cat·ing 

adj.

Tending to undervalue oneself and one's abilities.

 The Article below I copied and pasted from EverydayHealth.com and the url is http://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/depression/living-with-depression-everyday-tips.aspx?p=4 just in case you want to see the website but I think that this Article has some really good advice :-)

Most people feel bad about themselves from time to time. Temporary feelings of low self-esteem may be triggered by being treated poorly by someone else recently or in the past, or by a person's own judgments of him or herself. Low self-esteem is a constant companion for too many people, especially those who experience depression. If you go through life feeling bad about yourself needlessly, low self-esteem keeps you from enjoying life, doing the things you want to do, and working toward personal goals.
 

To improve your self-image, try making lists, rereading them often, and rewriting them from time to time. The process will help you to feel better about yourself. If you have a journal, you can write your lists there. If you don't, any piece of paper will do.

Make a list of :

• At least 5 of your strengths, for example, persistence, courage, friendliness, creativity
• At least 5 things you admire about yourself, for example, the way you have raised your children, your good relationship with someone in your family, or your spirituality
• The 5 greatest achievements in your life so far, like recovering from a serious illness, graduating from high school, or learning to use a computer
• At least 20 other accomplishments — they can be as simple as learning to tie your shoes, to getting an advanced college degree
• 10 ways you can "treat" or reward yourself that don't include food and that don't cost anything, such as walking in woods, window-shopping, or chatting with a friend
• 10 things you can do to make yourself laugh
• 10 things you could do to help someone else
• Things that you do that make you feel good about yourself