I need a Job ASAP

I know I have only been back in Moberly for one month well the 30th will be one month.  But I started looking for work in Moberly the beginning of November when I realized that this would be a great place to live once again. I have friends here I love so much they are another family to me when they hurt I hurt. I also see that its a cheap place to live I really really really want a place of my own. I'm applying myself and am job hunting to every place within my ability including the fast food chain. I also really want to go back to School in the fall but right now I really got to put my top priority into finding work which I have been doing. I need a Job ASAP I feel like my self esteem will be much higher when I actually feel like I have something to do again. I miss working!. I miss being busy! I miss living alone!

Their is nothing like having your own place I couldnt afford it in Florida but in Moberly,MO I can  depending on pay and hours like if its 7.25 and fulltime or more than 7.25 and parttime. . I also miss the feeling of accomplishment. Please pray that I get a job soon I cant stand not having one I get so bored... and worried about what direction my life is heading.....  Also I need to get a job so I can get a car; since I  have had my license almost for 2 months now :-)  I'm 24 years old I need to accomplish more in  my life than a petty Associates degree and High School Diploma  that don't seem like much of anything anymore... I want my life to count!

Well.... at least I have church to go to. I get to start serving Childrens ministry again soon. I am use to teaching but they only needed a helper after all. So, I am helping with Pre K and Kindergarten . Anyways, I am happy to serve where ever because it takes the focus off of me. Life isn't about me!

Well I gotta wake up at 7am I stayed the night at my friend Laurens apt to have a girl night. She actually went to bed a long time ago lol. I just havent been able to sleep yet. I have slept a lot the past couple of days out of boredom and just plain Exhaustion from worrying about everything. but at least I know God is watching over me and eventually this will past and I will have a job and I will have confidence again.  Anyone know where I can get a job in Moberly? I will lick dirt off the ground if it will pay me by the hour lol

Goodnight! Doughnuts at 7am yum!

Ps. my next blog will be less depressing I hope! Thanks for reading my Blog!

Christmas2011/Self Esteem

         The Best thing about Christmas 2011 I will not lie was starting it out with my adorable 2 year old niece thanking me for the Girl Bible Story book on voice mail then getting to talk to my other niece and nephews and Sister.Also, going to church at First Baptist my church here in Moberly . Church really helped my mindset that whole day.The message was about the presents for Jesus and how we can all give a gift to Jesus. Something not materialistic.

         Anyways, I  was enjoying Christmas but I was also in deep thought about my gift to Jesus (Between Jesus and I) Christmas is more to me than the gifts and the food. Also, watching movies and listening to music about Santa, Jingle Bells and Rudolph etc... Has never really interested me. I do like Scrooge type movies.Charlie Brown , Grinch and most of the chick flick Christmas movies though.

        However, if someone is into the stuff that I am not... I deal with it because you Celebrate  Christmas  with the ones around you. I also had to adjust to a tradition of another family by opening presents all at the same time. It wasn't bad just different . My family always opened one gift at a time and took pictures. Then I wanted to clean up the trash right away and Steve-O said its another tradition to leave it. I felt embarrassed for not knowing their traditions.

         Anyways, we sat and waited for Ash-Ash . We were all excited for her to come home after she got off work because Christmas wouldn't be the same without her.  I was most excited for her to open her locket her husband got for her. It is Beautiful! I got some bath stuff Cherry Blossom Scent ( I get a lot of lotions and shower stuff most Christmases lol I will never run out and I must stink lol just kidding) I also got a cool Butterfly Coat hanger( looks great on my wall. Ash thought I didn't like it but I love it!) and candy stocking stuffers from Ash and Steve-O. before I moved back to Missouri my Aunt Natalie and Uncle Steve  got me socks, a makeup bag and makeup. Also, they put my money I gave them towards January's phone so I got a free month of service (True blessing in disguise). My Grandma sent me a Christmas Present check from my Grandma that I got wall decor ,curtain and a end table with( My room looks Fantastic now). My Uncle Pat sent me a subway gift card( I went to subway that day it sounded good when I got it ). Britt got me Christmas lights lol jk that's what I thought when I saw the box said that. I put all my stuff in my room not because I didn't want to show other people I was just trying to clean up a little lol. Then Ash goes what did you get and so I told her and that's when I turned bright red when Ash told me to look inside the box of lights and Britt laughed like "You silly" .

Well I went to my room to get it and when I opened it. It was an Mp3 Player which I Love! Its also a camera, and has a place for an Micro SD and has a mic for voice recording. I hope it becomes charged soon I have been Charging it on and off and It works when its on the charger but not off the charger yet.

  Anyways,onto the self esteem part of the title of this blog....I have a huge Self Esteem problem  I am scared of annoying people and  hate even the sound of my voice lately I am suddenly afraid to speak or give my opinion about anything because I feel like it will be rejected and because I don't know some stuff  and feel dumb for not knowing that stuff.   For the most part I don't get agitated when people are making fun of me but sometimes it makes me just want to hide in my room and sleep or sit at a lake all day. I know that when my friends do make fun of me they are not trying to hurt my feelings and are just joking around and I just need to get over it when I get all sensitive about it but sometimes my self esteem is so low that nothing can make me feel better and the best thing I can do is just try to sort it out.

Like last night I felt like I was getting on peoples nerves so I was going to try and go to bed at 730pm  I was discreet about it I told everyone I was tired. I really was tired  but it wasn't the whole truth but come on ...give me a break... I wasn't going to tell people I am going to sleep because I feel like I'm getting on your nerves. How stupid does that sound? Not to mention Pathetic! I wasn't going to ask! and I didn't want to ruin Christmas!  and It was a Great day for everyone. Including me! I just started feeling this way at nighttime.

Well, I was in my bed and I couldn't sleep so I went to the front porch and had a long talk with god and cried out to him about what I wanted my gift to be to him and just praying for strength to stop torturing myself and trying to accept myself. I just see so many flaws and I see a hippo.Well, After I got off the porch I went back inside and wiped my tears and and hung out with my roommates and Steve-O's family until everyone and had fun until wanted to go to bed.

For the Record No pity party here you dont like it then please stop reading this blog I dont want anyone feeling sorry for me .

 I'm hoping you will keep reading and if you want to pray for me that would be great if not that's fine too. I know I have issues but I shouldn't feel so bad about myself that I just want to sleep. I'm not depressed i am just sick of myself and I know  I am the only one that can change it so I'm definitely going to start working on some of my flaws.

By the way my friends are so awesome! I really want the best for all of them and when something goes wrong even though its not always my fault I take it hard because I want them to be happy and If I had all the money in the world I would pay  all there debt off and buy a vacation spot for all of us to go to get away from it all when life becomes too chaotic. My friends understand me better than anyone sometimes even better than myself. They are my family too. I would hate to lose any of them. I hope to help them with their future kids and whatever else I can help with. I want to grow old around all of them and one day sit in our rocking chairs together sharing memories. Bunny Trail over (Sorry had to mention my friends they are awesome!)

My Low Self Esteem makes me :

*Hurt others who think I'm wonderful

*Tell myself I'm fat everyday

* Paranoid 

*  Feel like sleeping all day

*  Make fun of myself to others

*  Make others feel like they cant make me happy 

* Tell myself I am stupid

*Feel Annoying to others

*Hard to live around

* Hate the sound of my voice

* Feel like I will never get married or have kids

* Feel like I do everything wrong

*Feel Alone and Invisible

*Feel Rejected

* Explain myself too much

*Act like I know things I don't know sometimes to avoid looking stupid

* Prideful

*Worried about what others think

*Punish myself for every little thing I do or say wrong

*Feel like a failure

* Feel ashamed

* Feel worthless

*Apologize too much

*Allow others to walk all over me because I have no confidence to say "No"

*Not accept criticism

Mark 10:27 NCV
Jesus looked at them and said, "For people this is impossible, but for God all things are possible." 

I will change these negative thoughts about myself and get rid of this poor self esteem. I have seen people write sticky notes and place them in places to help the process.To encourage themselves everyday. Also, I have been told to look in a mirror and say positive things about myself. Perhaps, Its time I start doing it even if its hard...

Do you suffer from a low self-esteem - Thinking poorly of yourself? If so lets break that self deprecation :-)

Term from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/self-deprecating

self-dep·re·cat·ing 

adj.

Tending to undervalue oneself and one's abilities.

 The Article below I copied and pasted from EverydayHealth.com and the url is http://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/depression/living-with-depression-everyday-tips.aspx?p=4 just in case you want to see the website but I think that this Article has some really good advice :-)

Most people feel bad about themselves from time to time. Temporary feelings of low self-esteem may be triggered by being treated poorly by someone else recently or in the past, or by a person's own judgments of him or herself. Low self-esteem is a constant companion for too many people, especially those who experience depression. If you go through life feeling bad about yourself needlessly, low self-esteem keeps you from enjoying life, doing the things you want to do, and working toward personal goals.
 

To improve your self-image, try making lists, rereading them often, and rewriting them from time to time. The process will help you to feel better about yourself. If you have a journal, you can write your lists there. If you don't, any piece of paper will do.

Make a list of :

• At least 5 of your strengths, for example, persistence, courage, friendliness, creativity
• At least 5 things you admire about yourself, for example, the way you have raised your children, your good relationship with someone in your family, or your spirituality
• The 5 greatest achievements in your life so far, like recovering from a serious illness, graduating from high school, or learning to use a computer
• At least 20 other accomplishments — they can be as simple as learning to tie your shoes, to getting an advanced college degree
• 10 ways you can "treat" or reward yourself that don't include food and that don't cost anything, such as walking in woods, window-shopping, or chatting with a friend
• 10 things you can do to make yourself laugh
• 10 things you could do to help someone else
• Things that you do that make you feel good about yourself 

Wal-mart at Christmas time UGH!

The only reason I shop at Wal-Mart this time of year is because it is the mall of Moberly... No joke!The only mega store in the city for 7,000 people to shop for everything in one place. Especially at Christmas time! I wanted to ram into people to get them to move  lol But I would like to keep my sanity. Tonight I went there with my roommates so they can get stuff for Christmas dinner and I was so excited about my end table and Wall decor to spend Christmas Gift check from Grandma :-) that I didn't think about the dessert I offered to pay for. Whoops! O well i bought half of dinner :-) When I entered Wal-Mart I wanted to just walk back out but I really wanted my stuff too so I stayed. My Wal-mart had no Carts whatsoever. The cart situation was so bad that a greeter started pulling in the "not so good carts" lol.

Well I ran into a lady I use to go to CCCB with. I really cant remember her name but she is such a sweetheart! and I asked her how things were and well I found out tutoring jobs are being dropped. That in my opinion, Is crazy! I cant believe that! We need tutors! Heck I suck at being Mathematical and may need a tutor for Math. I wont be able to hire one but maybe I can find a friend that can help me with it when I do go for my Accounting Business Certificate. I also ran into another lady I knew but this one I wasn't exactly thrilled to run into her but with the grace of God in me I went up to her and told her Merry Christmas and asked her about how things were. It was extremely awkward but I did it. Not really sure why but just maybe she needed someone to wish her a Merry Christmas and ask her about how she was? After the 2 women I ran into I started approaching the chaos! People in every aisle of the store and stopping right in front of you and not moving just so they can take forever deciding on what they want to buy or to talk stand there and talk. I was panicking I felt like I was going to faint and I was hungry because I didn't have dinner just yet. If you know me you know how I get when I am hungry. I get distant and I seem agitated.

Well tonight something else did in fact upset me, but Its personal and it wasn't because of anybody. I cant talk about it sorry. the words just wont come out. It should be easy for me to talk to my friends about everything since I trust them with my life but sometimes I  feel like I just need to work it out on my own and talk to God to deliver me from whatever I'm going through. Plus, I  don't want to come across as a negative ungrateful person. Especially because for the most part I am really happy in Moberly. My living situation is great, I never starve, I don't feel lonely like I did in Colorado and in Florida because I am surrounded by people going through the same stuff as me and it helps to be  because we can help each other more when we all understand each others circumstances.Job searching is hard but I am for the most part staying positive about that too because I am doing all I can do I apply for jobs so much that I dream about it sometimes.

Bunny trails lol I don't know why but I am having a little bit of a problem being focused right now. Perhaps because its almost Midnight?  Back to Wal-Mart at Christmas time. Seriously, all we need is some clowns and some animals and then the store would be complete lol What a zoo/circus! When I finished my shopping I was heading back to the register and it was taking so long getting through the traffic I was thinking about saying "Beep Beep" Lol  It took like 10 minutes to get to a register then when I did ,thank God there was a register that was clear of people.

I would rather be a Cashier for Wal-Mart during the Holidays than go shopping there. I actually do miss being a cashier. One year this particular old lady came to my register and had 7 Christmas gift cards she had been given over a 4 year period and she told me that it was her first time being out of her house in 4 years. She told me she was scared to do anything without her deceased husband but finally realized that she needed some cheering up so she came to use her gift cards. The most amazing part is she didn't use a lot of it on herself and she mostly bought her kids and grand kids gifts.She was so sweet and I told her that "she was brave to step out of her house and that she was beautiful and the best customer I have ever had." Her face went from sad to a huge smile :-)  My next customer after her was a complete jerk by the way.He was like in his mid 40s looked like a biker or something. Anyways, he threw his stuff on the Belt and I said . "Hello, How are you today" and he put his hand up and said "just bag my effing groceries lady" I wanted to throw his stuff back at him and refuse his service. But I didn't 1. I would have gotten fired and 2. the sweet old lady before him had made my day and I wasn't going to let this bah hum bug ruin it.

Well its officially Christmas Eve! Merry Christmas Eve! I love the fact that this weekend I will be with my roommates and one of my roommates family and I don't even have to travel away from home for it :-) Its going to be Epic! We have so much fun Decorating gingerbread houses playing the Wii one of my roommates opened early and I cant wait to watch people open presents Christmas day. I love watching people open their presents and being surprised about what they got.I love to give presents also :-) I have presents to open and I will love whatever I got but I would have been fine also if no one did anything for me because i love to give more than receiving. It does in a way make me feel special like I was thought of too though :-) We are also, going to the Christmas Eve Service at my church Saturday night at First Baptist. I  love Christmas Eve services because it gives people a last minute reminder about what Christmas is actually about .:-) The other things are nice too but the most important thing to remember is that Jesus was born in Bethlehem one starry night. It may not be December 25th but it did happen :-) I'm not saying that you have to avoid presents and all the other commercialism I'm just saying let us not forget the Creator of the universe the Creator of you and I.

Please pray for my Grandma this is a tough Christmas for her. A month ago she lost a dog  and now she is losing her lifetime best friend and they are pulling the plug today. Death is not something that is easy but my Grandma is a very strong lady and she is trying to stay positive through it all because she says she knows that they are better off not suffering anymore and are in a better place. Heaven.

God Bless you all have a safe meaningful Christmas remember Jesus' Birth :-) I may not be blogging until December 26th we will see...

Merry Christmas Eve!

What child is this in Bethlehem?

Christ needs to be put back in Christmas! The day is not about presents It isn't about decorating etc... Im so sick of all those commercials that dont even tell you the real meaning. A lot of people are mad about the word Christ being in Christmas so now they have conformed to just saying "Happy Holidays" So that they dont offend anyone.Well It is a reminder of the day our greatest gift of all was born : Jesus.Christmas is 2 days away and I am very excited to be around My roommates and my Roommate Steve's family We have lots of gifts and that is great its going to be a great Christmas and everything but we must not forget the main reason for that day: To Celebrate Jesus' Birth. Now their is no particular date in the bible but this is the day that we do celebrate it. Also it shouldnt be just Christmas and Easter we celebrate the birth and resurrection but everyday our life should be a living testimony to others reflecting God through us. and I am not just saying this to you im saying this to myself too.

As you read yesterday, I had a sin that I have been punishing myself for. I am really working on forgiving myself. Anyways, the whole time I was writing that blog I wanted to delete it. It was not an easy blog but in doing so I was helping myself recognize how I was feeling. It felt good to let it out. I cannot change the past but I can change the future and im working on it.

The Story of Jesus birth is below and all you have to do is read the scriptures their is proof in  the Bible all you have to do is read it and have faith.

Hebrews 11

What Is Faith?

 ¹ Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it.

Isaiah 9:6-7

New Century Version (NCV)

 ⁶ A child has been born to us;
       God has given a son to us.
       He will be responsible for leading the people.
    His name will be Wonderful Counselor, Powerful God,
       Father Who Lives Forever, Prince of Peace.
 ⁷ Power and peace will be in his kingdom
       and will continue to grow forever.
    He will rule as king on David's throne
       and over David's kingdom.
    He will make it strong
       by ruling with justice and goodness
       from now on and forever.
    The Lord All-Powerful will do this
       because of his strong love for his people.

Matthew 1:18-24

New Century Version (NCV)

The Birth of Jesus Christ

 ¹⁸ This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about. His mother Mary was engaged^[a] to marry Joseph, but before they married, she learned she was pregnant by the power of the Holy Spirit. ¹⁹ Because Mary's husband, Joseph, was a good man, he did not want to disgrace her in public, so he planned to divorce her secretly. ²⁰ While Joseph thought about these things, an angel of the Lord came to him in a dream. The angel said, "Joseph, descendant of David, don't be afraid to take Mary as your wife, because the baby in her is from the Holy Spirit.²¹ She will give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus,^[b] because he will save his people from their sins."
 ²² All this happened to bring about what the Lord had said through the prophet: ²³ "The virgin will be pregnant. She will have a son, and they will name him Immanuel,"^[c] which means "God is with us."
 ²⁴ When Joseph woke up, he did what the Lord's angel had told him to do. Joseph took Mary as his wife,

Luke 1:18-38

New Century Version (NCV)

 ¹⁸ Zechariah said to the angel, "How can I know that what you say is true? I am an old man, and my wife is old, too."
 ¹⁹ The angel answered him, "I am Gabriel. I stand before God, who sent me to talk to you and to tell you this good news.²⁰ Now, listen! You will not be able to speak until the day these things happen, because you did not believe what I told you. But they will really happen."
 ²¹ Outside, the people were still waiting for Zechariah and were surprised that he was staying so long in the Temple.²² When Zechariah came outside, he could not speak to them, and they knew he had seen a vision in the Temple. He could only make signs to them and remained unable to speak.²³ When his time of service at the Temple was finished, he went home.
 ²⁴ Later, Zechariah's wife, Elizabeth, became pregnant and did not go out of her house for five months. Elizabeth said,²⁵ "Look what the Lord has done for me! My people were ashamed^[a] of me, but now the Lord has taken away that shame."

An Angel Appears to Mary

 ²⁶ During Elizabeth's sixth month of pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee,²⁷ to a virgin. She was engaged to marry a man named Joseph from the family of David. Her name was Mary.²⁸ The angel came to her and said, "Greetings! The Lord has blessed you and is with you." ²⁹ But Mary was very startled by what the angel said and wondered what this greeting might mean.
 ³⁰ The angel said to her, "Don't be afraid, Mary; God has shown you his grace.³¹ Listen! You will become pregnant and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus.³² He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of King David, his ancestor.³³ He will rule over the people of Jacob forever, and his kingdom will never end."
 ³⁴ Mary said to the angel, "How will this happen since I am a virgin?"
 ³⁵ The angel said to Mary, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will cover you. For this reason the baby will be holy and will be called the Son of God.³⁶ Now Elizabeth, your relative, is also pregnant with a son though she is very old. Everyone thought she could not have a baby, but she has been pregnant for six months.³⁷ God can do anything!"
 ³⁸ Mary said, "I am the servant of the Lord. Let this happen to me as you say!" Then the angel went away.

Luke 2

The Birth of Jesus

 ¹ At that time, Augustus Caesar sent an order that all people in the countries under Roman rule must list their names in a register.² This was the first registration;^[a] it was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria.³ And all went to their own towns to be registered. ⁴ So Joseph left Nazareth, a town in Galilee, and went to the town of Bethlehem in Judea, known as the town of David. Joseph went there because he was from the family of David.⁵ Joseph registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged^[b] and who was now pregnant.⁶ While they were in Bethlehem, the time came for Mary to have the baby, ⁷ and she gave birth to her first son. Because there were no rooms left in the inn, she wrapped the baby with pieces of cloth and laid him in a feeding trough.

Shepherds Hear About Jesus

 ⁸ That night, some shepherds were in the fields nearby watching their sheep.⁹ Then an angel of the Lord stood before them. The glory of the Lord was shining around them, and they became very frightened.¹⁰ The angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I am bringing you good news that will be a great joy to all the people.¹¹ Today your Savior was born in the town of David. He is Christ, the Lord.¹² This is how you will know him: You will find a baby wrapped in pieces of cloth and lying in a feeding box." ¹³ Then a very large group of angels from heaven joined the first angel, praising God and saying:
 ¹⁴ "Give glory to God in heaven,
       and on earth let there be peace among the people who please God."^[c]
 15 When the angels left them and went back to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, "Let's go to Bethlehem. Let's see this thing that has happened which the Lord has told us about."
 ¹⁶ So the shepherds went quickly and found Mary and Joseph and the baby, who was lying in a feeding trough. ¹⁷ When they had seen him, they told what the angels had said about this child.¹⁸ Everyone was amazed at what the shepherds said to them.¹⁹ But Mary treasured these things and continued to think about them.²⁰ Then the shepherds went back to their sheep, praising God and thanking him for everything they had seen and heard. It had been just as the angel had told them.

Luke 11:27

New Century Version (NCV)

People Who Are Truly Blessed

 ²⁷ As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out to Jesus, "Blessed is the mother who gave birth to you and nursed you." 

Here I Go Again

I want to be a Light, a Pillar and Salt on this earth. I have such a desire to reach others to Christ but fail to do so because I let the worldly things get in the way and plus I feel so self conscious most days. A lot of my past has not represented the person I am deep down inside. I have sinned so much and if I could take it all back I would. I feel so guilty that I allowed myself to sin like I have. I know I need to forgive myself but its hard. I have repented to God and I know he forgives those who repent and things but I can not justify my sin it was deadly wrong and I have to live with what I have done and I did  a particular sin repeatedly .It makes me sick to think about how much I hurt God with the choices I made. Here God is: a Savior to this world and he has saved me from Hell and how do I repay him? By sinning :-( 

Sometimes I feel like I will never be forgiven by some of the people in my life I have either told the particular sin too or they found out . Perhaps if they could forgive me I would feel just a little better. I know I will have to forgive myself eventually but for right now I just cant Im too ashamed. God forgives me so why cant I? Its freakishly late and I should be sleeping but instead I am listening to Casting Crowns and being mad at myself for allowing my sin to go on for so long. I'm not going to say my sin out loud I have already confided in a few people and well some like I said found out. I'm very thankful that they haven't exploited me for the sin I had in my life. If only the people who cant forgive me knew how much I punish myself everyday for the sin I had. "Had" as in no longer. 

Let me explain this so you can understand that the sin is no longer.one night I had sinned like any other night that I had made that wrong choice and I hit rock bottom.I prayed for hours "God Im Sorry, God Forgive me, Im a mess and I sinned and I know I cant take it  back but what I can do is change it in the future so it doesnt happen again.I promise to not carry this with me anymore or step back into that sin from this day forward ...I repent! Im done with this garbage! Forgive me! Amen"

Since I have been back in Moberly,MO I have not done the particular sin but I have been in  torment in my mind for what I have done. I keep looking for ways to distract myself from wallowing in my distress sometimes it works and other times I just sit and try not to Cry.Though sometimes the agony is so much I will crawl into my bed and just lay there and cry. I know crying doesn't solve anything but sometimes it cant be prevented and sometimes it helps just to let the tears out while im praying to God. 

I have been a prisoner of sin until I moved back to Moberly. Sin no longer controls me. I can honestly say I do my very best not to sin anymore although I'm pretty sure we all do everyday still because Jesus is the only perfect one. but I am making a honest effort and I definitely dont have to worry about that one particular sin and pursuing it again because I have an accountability partner here in Moberly and if I feel tempted I go to them about all of it. and they set me straight and im also there accountability partner as well. 

One Crazy month let me tell you I have been just exhausted with the excitement of December and Christmas but then on the other side of things I have been stressed about finances too and job hunting like crazy. Which when you think about it being stressed about finances isn't going to make the issue go away :p Well and then you know me punishing myself for my previous big sin that you all do not need to be aware of. If you are aware of what im referring to then please please please do not exploit me no matter how mad you get. Thanks

First Baptist Church of Moberly is starting their Children's program back up and I am signed up to help with Pre-K and Kindergarten this will be the first time in 6 months that I have been in Ministry due to work and moving and feeling like I wasnt good enough.But I know thats a lie not that im full of myself but I know that you do not have to be perfect to serve God but you should be striving to be more like him and have a love for his people.Anyhow, I hope to get involved with other things also to keep me going in the right direction with God too. I have already been spending loads of time back into Devotion Prayer and Worship and Church now its time to get back into Serving God. Also, the pastor is discussing starting a Celebrate Recovery class. Im definitely hoping that happens because it would be another way for me to serve God through sharing with others my experiences and how I have overcame so much and in the process learning more about others will help me too.

Well its still freakishly late so I am going to slumber off now into dream land Goodnight!

Ps heres the song that I have been listening to a lot lately. "Here I go Again" by Casting Crowns

While Im waiting...

 Last night, I did not sleep well I was ready to go to sleep but I couldn't stop worrying about tomorrow. :-(  

( FYI I know all the verses and understand all of them but sometimes it is still hard and you know it!) Also, I was really sad because their are people I know who are going through so much pain and I don't have the right words to say. I want to take their pain away! Its not fair! But I am trying my best to be there for them and just pray for them.  I believe in these hard times we are being tested to see how much we can take. Eventually this thing we are going through will seem so far away as we have a God who has a plan for us.

 Jeremiah 29:11

New Century Version (NCV)

¹¹ I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.

Today, I woke up about 12 or 1230pm because I had a long night well and sometimes I just feel  like I can sleep for days. When I wake up I stretch and then I think about my to do list and then roll out of bed lol. Today I got a stupid rejection letter from an Employer and well it was very discouraging but one of my friends reassured me that everything is fine I will get a job eventually. It was exactly at the time I started to ball so it was definitely something I needed to hear. I still feel somewhat discouraged about the letter though because i know I got rejected for bad credit. and at the interview I was told that they were going to do a credit check and that people who have bad credit are more likely to steal so that is why they cant always find work. I feel like a low life with bad credit but I would never in a million years steal. I was robbed once so I could never do that to anyone. Also, I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. 

Well after the letter I wanted to go back to bed but I knew that would solve nothing. If I'm in a bad mood its going to create more problems than solve them. So, I decided to go and run my errands. I walked outside and seeing the leaves on the ground everywhere and the sun shining a little it really helped my mood. Even though it was cold the walking helped too.

Tonight, I got to drive in Moberly for the first time and it was really scary at first but then as I drove it was Fun and Easy! Moberly driving is easier than driving in Firestone, CO the speed doesn't change as often and the streets aren't as crazy! :-) Its nights like tonight that I'm thankful for my license and someday I cant wait to have a car! I drove to Taco Bell :-)

By the way God is good! I still have 3 months of rent! Of course I hope to get a job within this month. But knowing that I have rent money helps me to be more relaxed than stressed. and My awesome roommates would never kick me out. 

While I'm waiting on a:

• Job
• Car
• Place of my own
• Future Husband 
• Future kids
• My degree/Certificate

 I have decided to make these Commitments to God: 

Lord, While I am waiting for answers I will serve you. Its not easy but I will keep trusting in you to help me through life. I will not give up on what I need to do. I will be obedient to you! 

 I heard this song on fireproof and its definitely an encouragement!

Is Fear a Factor?

Fear Factor the Show is back on! Let me tell you a lot of that stuff is more Gross than Scary. The name Fear factor makes me think about some of the fears I encounter

Here's a list:

1. Never getting married
2. Never having kids
3. Spiders
4. Not reaching my full potential
5. Losing people that I love
6. Rats
7. Not waking up from one of my deep sleeps
8. Throwing up
9. Being alone
10. Failing

Do you have fears?  Its okay to have fears I have them we all do! We can pretend that we don't but we all do its  a fact of life. Something I learned once from a church I went to though  is that it is okay to have these fears but we should not allow these fears become who we are. We should not live in fear. Everyday we should trust in God to take care of us.

Lately, I have been so afraid of my finances and today some relief came that I had earned(its not on the list because I fear it no more). and today I woke up prepared to be discouraged but instead I listened to music and was cleaning up my room and I promised myself I would be Jolly no matter what. I even felt at peace about my finances. Then go and behold  I found   2 of my last checks laying in an envelope on my bed :-) See what happens when we let go of that fear that stress in our life and give it to God?He takes care of us as we learn to trust him .  I was listening to the song "Your Love is Extravagant" by Casting Crowns its an Amazing song! When I found the checks that song was playing. Anyways, I was busy thinking about getting my room in order and when that song came on. It was then that I saw the Mail and it made my day. Not just because it was money but because of how I told myself to be "Jolly" and to not worry about what I feared . I even had given that fear to God and then  look at what happened :-) It was overwhelming all that worrying all that stress and all that crying. For Nothing!  O Happy Day!

Psalm 27:1

New Century Version (NCV)

A Song of Trust in God

Of David.

 ¹ The Lord is my light and the one who saves me.

       So why should I fear anyone?

    The Lord protects my life.

       So why should I be afraid?

Psalm 23:4

New Century Version (NCV)

 ⁴ Even if I walk through a very dark valley,
       I will not be afraid,
    because you are with me.
       Your rod and your shepherd's staff comfort me.

Isaiah 41:10

New Century Version (NCV)

 ¹⁰ So don't worry, because I am with you.
       Don't be afraid, because I am your God.
    I will make you strong and will help you;
       I will support you with my right hand that saves you.

Tis the season to be jolly right?

According to Thesaurus.com 

Jolly is: 

Main Entry:	bright
Part of Speech:	adjective
Definition:	cheerful
Synonyms:	alert, animated, gay, genial, glad, happy, jolly , joyful, joyous, keen, lighthearted, lively, merry, optimistic, sanguine, spirited, sprightly, vivacious
Antonyms:	depressed, depressing, doleful, dreary, gloomy, unhappy

Last week I watched a play about God being the Spirit of Christmas and then on Sunday my pastor did a sermon on Joy. I get it I truly do but I am just having a hard time being cheerful lately.In summary: Finances,Searching for a Job. Both of which are discouraging I get so many employers telling me they aren't hiring and even though that may be true I take it as a rejection because I have a huge self esteem problem. No matter how much I lose or how much make up I put on I feel so ugly. Im good at having confidence when I go in for interviews and fill out applications personality wise but im always afraid on the inside that im too fat or too ugly for some jobs. Maybe thats one of the reasons why I was so focused on finding a boyfriend since my ex i miss being called pretty. I am really trying to get over my issues with the way I look but its not easy. I never have and never will I judge others by their looks but when it comes to myself I judge myself harshly. If only I could see what God saw in me when he created me in his image. Maybe I should pray about that more. 

Anyways, back to the topic of being Jolly come to think of it I dont really know too many people that are around this time of year. We have days and moments but really shouldnt we be jolly more? Tis the season to be Jolly right? I think we are still way to centered around earthly things instead of what Christmas is really about:Jesus! instead I see a Commercialized Christmas : Focused on gifts, Money,Presents, food, and decorating I could keep on going but why bother lol you get the point. Christmas is about a baby that was born named Jesus and he was given to a young  virgin girl named Mary and He is the greatest gift and he is our King!

You! Me! US! We need to remember the real season for the Season! Lets Pray!

Dear Lord, 

Their are many today suffering from Finances,Being Homeless,Starving, Grieving, Broken relationships and so on. Help us to remember through all of our hard times that  you are and always will be the reason for the season. I am guilty of losing sight of this time and time again its not that I forget but that earthly things are broadcasted more than you are. Their are certian places that cant even say Merry Christmas becasue your sons name is in it.I pray that we would all remember you more than the Commercialism. Without you we wouldnt be here. Happy birthday Jesus! May we be jolly once again because of your gift.

Amen

New Century Version (NCV)

Luke 2

The Birth of Jesus

 ¹ At that time, Augustus Caesar sent an order that all people in the countries under Roman rule must list their names in a register.² This was the first registration;^[a] it was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria.³ And all went to their own towns to be registered.

 ⁴ So Joseph left Nazareth, a town in Galilee, and went to the town of Bethlehem in Judea, known as the town of David. Joseph went there because he was from the family of David.⁵ Joseph registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged^[b] and who was now pregnant.⁶ While they were in Bethlehem, the time came for Mary to have the baby, ⁷ and she gave birth to her first son. Because there were no rooms left in the inn, she wrapped the baby with pieces of cloth and laid him in a feeding trough.

Shepherds Hear About Jesus

 ⁸ That night, some shepherds were in the fields nearby watching their sheep.⁹ Then an angel of the Lord stood before them. The glory of the Lord was shining around them, and they became very frightened.¹⁰ The angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I am bringing you good news that will be a great joy to all the people.¹¹ Today your Savior was born in the town of David. He is Christ, the Lord.¹² This is how you will know him: You will find a baby wrapped in pieces of cloth and lying in a feeding box."

 ¹³ Then a very large group of angels from heaven joined the first angel, praising God and saying:
 ¹⁴ "Give glory to God in heaven,
       and on earth let there be peace among the people who please God."^[c]

 ¹⁵ When the angels left them and went back to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, "Let's go to Bethlehem. Let's see this thing that has happened which the Lord has told us about."

 ¹⁶ So the shepherds went quickly and found Mary and Joseph and the baby, who was lying in a feeding trough. ¹⁷ When they had seen him, they told what the angels had said about this child.¹⁸ Everyone was amazed at what the shepherds said to them.¹⁹ But Mary treasured these things and continued to think about them.²⁰ Then the shepherds went back to their sheep, praising God and thanking him for everything they had seen and heard. It had been just as the angel had told them.

This is my favorite Christmas Song!

Galatians 4:4-5

New Century Version (NCV)

⁴ But when the right time came, God sent his Son who was born of a woman and lived under the law.⁵ God did this so he could buy freedom for those who were under the law and so we could become his children.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas :-)

So I dont have much to blog about... today was a great day I was laughing and having a good time and I didnt stress much. I really needed a day away from all the pressures and everything so I took it. I hung out with my Friends Lauren and Kevin Postelwhaite ( or however you spell their last name)

Anyways, I was bein my normal goofy self trying to make them laugh and well both of them laugh really easy beut I dont think I am that funny but they seem to always crack up laughing. We played the Wii watched the movie "Four Christmases" played scrabble and went to this church performance. It was a play/singing performance. It was really good and im glad I went because it reminded me once again about what Christmas is really about. Jesus Christ our King :-)  They did the song "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas"  and i cant get the song out of my head :-p I love hippos I have always found them beautiful and interesting and man do they weigh a ton. My favorite part of the whole play though was an old professor of mine told a Dr Suess story about a church theif. the church theif tried to still the church members spirit by stealing stuff well when he found out that didnt work he returned the stuff and started having faith. It was like a rewrite of Grinch I loved it.

Well im still job hunting and I hope to hear from the business i had an interview with  that I got the job. But I have a side job door to door sales so maybe I can make money that way while im waiting . Its all commission so we will see. Monday I have a meeting with the guy who runs his own satellite business so we will see how it goes. I am still hoping to have a job by Christmas. Regardless, of what tomorrow brings I will not let anyone take away my Spirit again and will continue to celebrate Christmas;-) Im also looking into either helping with my churches dinner or helping the community kitchen. I really feel like serving because I know their are people out there going through a lot worse than me.

.

I feel like a monster!

Im sorry for all the times in the last week that you did not see me as a woman of God. I was dealing with a lot of drama and I let a lot of it step in the way of my happiness in the last week. Maybe I am being too hard on myself but with my negativity and worrying this last week I have not been the best person this week to be around and I feel really bad about it.I know im not perfect and I will have bad days but I should never act like someone without faith by worrying and stressing like I have been. This week my spirits have been crushed and I was letting everything that caused me pain ruin the time I could of spent laughing and being happy with my friends. I still had moments where I was happy but I know I could of had more moments of happiness.

   I have a lot of my wonderful friends. You guys bring me to life and you guys are the best friends in the world.I look forward to being friends with you guys for a lifetime. Im so blessed! Thank you!

In other news I love Moberly still I know their arent many jobs and their are a lot of druggies here but their is also so much culture and beauty and having friends here definitely helps :-)


 I need to always remember this verse as it has been on my mind all week

Proverbs 3:5

New Century Version (NCV)

 ⁵ Trust the Lord with all your heart,
       and don't depend on your own understanding.

Cannons

Yesterday, today and tomorrow...We may make mistakes but in all of it God is near!  Cannons is my favorite worship song and one of my favorite lines in it is "Im so unworthy but still you love me"  Isn't that true we are unworthy we do things that God would never do and yet he still paid the penalty for our sins.

Yesterday, In my previous blog I admitted to what people made fun of me for. It was not easy sharing that with you but I had courage to do so. I know in the long run those of you who are by my side will not use my past against me and I thank you for that.

This week I have had a couple of bad days.*fyi I am still really happy in Moberly though:-)*I would tell you but for privacy sakes I wont and I dont want to start crying again because I have been crying a lot and I really dont like crying. I never have! I like to be strong and feel like a wimp when I cry. Plus I feel like when I cry I wont stop since I dont do it very often. I definitely dont like crying in front of others also. I feel embarrassed when I do. Today though I cried in front of a good friend of mine named Lauren and she was there for me as I vented about my bad week and she helped me by  listening to me and didnt try to tell me what I was feeling was dumb. She was also really supportive :-) Thanks Lauren!

I have the best friends in the world and they keep me on solid ground. I feel really bad for letting some things bother me this last week though. I shouldnt have because in the long run what good did it do for me to get upset? Not at all! My attitude sucked yet my friends were patient with me they didnt get upset and they let me sort out the stuff I had going on :-) If your a friend affected by my negative attitude this last week im sorry and I will work better on not having that attitude. I really want to reflect God's light through me.  Forever my life belongs to God and in times of trouble instead of getting upset like I do I need to trust God to see me through more. I have been praying and doing my devotions but I need to also have the right attitude along with it.

You are holy great and mighty
The moon and the stars declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, but still You love me Forever my heart will sing of how great You are

2 Corinthians 10:5- Capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ

 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 Be alert. Continue strong in the faith,have courage,be strong. Do everything in love. 

 Matt.11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

 God, examine me and know my heart;test me and know my nervous thoughts.See if there is any bad thing in me.Lead me on the road of everlasting life. Psalm139:23-24